INTRODUCING AMELIA EARHART GHOSTED ME.
Did you know the first female aviator wrote a book called “How To Ghost At Mach Speed”? That’s right, Amelia’s main impetus for learning how to fly was to get away from insecure dudes cramping her single lady style. Put on these tortoise shell frames with brown lenses and you can ditch F-Boys with the same finesse. Now if you only had a plane…
107-YEAR-OLD MAN STILL ANGRY AMELIA EARHART GHOSTED HIM
On July 2, 1937, aviation pioneer Amelia Earhart mysteriously vanished during an attempt to circumnavigate the world. Decades later, her disappearance still confounds historians, and infuriates Elmer Wincel, a man who asked her out once and got rejected. “That harlot still doesn’t call me back,” says Wincel, 107. “Nice guys never win.”
For the past 83 years, Wincel has obsessively contacted Earhart’s living relatives, demanding ”that skank stop playing hard to get.” In his view, the trailblazing icon faked crashing her plane into the Pacific Ocean just to avoid dating him. “She’s probably f***ing some Chad,” says Wincel. “She should be with me. Me! I’m the perfect boyfriend.”
In July 1936, 24-year-old Wincel spotted 39-year-old Earhart at Chili Charlie’s in Burbank, CA, and thought she was “cute for an old broad, like Mom.” After creepily staring at her for 45 minutes, Wincel asked her out and she said, “Sorry, I’m married.” But he could tell that she made a mistake with her choice of husband and committed to saving himself for whenever she was single again. “What can I say? I’m a romantic,” says Wincel.
U.S. officials believe Earhart and navigator Fred Noonan ran out of fuel and crashed into the Pacific Ocean while en route to Howland Island. Search efforts were unsuccessful. By 1939, they were both declared dead. “Bullshit!” says Wincel. “They went on a Hawaiian vacation. Probably joined the mile high club, too, if you know what I mean. Perverts.”
Some experts speculate Noonan died, the Lockheed Model 10-E Electra floated away, and Earhart washed up on Nikumaroro Island. Distress radio signals came from the isle post-crash, and British settlers discovered 13 bones in 1940. Presumably the coconut crabs ate Earhart. “Yeah, she definitely had crabs,” says Wincel, with a bitter laugh.
Doctors examined the incomplete skeleton but could not confirm it was the first woman to fly solo across the Atlantic. Unfortunately, the bones were lost in 1941. But in 2018, researchers discovered the remains in a museum on the island of Tarawa. Wincel moved there and anxiously awaits the DNA results, holding a bouquet of aconite on the sidewalk.
“If it’s Amelia, I’m going to ask her out again,” says the 107-year-old, adjusting his Amelia Earhart Ghosted Me tortoiseshell aviator sunglasses. “And that strumpet better say yes. I’m a nice guy.”
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